Growing up, I thought watching movies would teach me everything I needed to know. I mean, if Madison could learn a second language from TV, I could learn about social structure and boyfriends.
Now that I’m older, I’m supposed to know better. But every time I start to clear the fog of movie knowledge from my head, Kate Hudson rides in on the back of a motorcycle and confuses me.
In fact, I’ve become so lost the only thing I know to be true is that E=MC^2… Except I don’t actually understand that equation since I dropped physics after 3 days my junior year of high school and haven’t taken a science class since. Is that even physics? Is it science? Who the hell cares. I have a BFA in theater and can summarize the plot of any Chekhov play. CAN YOU?
Anywho, here are some things I learned from the movies that confuse me greatly to this very day.
- Adult children and their parents regularly discuss their sex lives in great detail.
- Fathers who spend their time watching sports and appear to be senile are in fact fonts of wisdom on relationships, careers, and life in general.
- Mothers who are poor are always kind and caring while mothers who are rich are always mean and will pay your pregnant girlfriend to fake a miscarriage and move to a different city.
- Couples fall in love after 3-5 dates or a montage of candlelit dinners (whichever comes first).
- It is perfectly normal to purchase a $2,000, one-way, non-refundable plane ticket in order to reconcile and/or propose to the soulmate you’ve known for a week.
- The men who don’t think you’re the most beautiful woman in the room are the assholes who end up drunk, alone, and at the kid’s table at your wedding.
- A woman’s breasts are always covered. Always.
- Men never put condoms on, remove them, or get a women pregnant (unless she’s a powerful CEO and it would be inconvenient timing).
- A woman typically has an orgasm moments after intercourse begins.
- You’re either friends with the same people from kindergarden until you die or are only friends with your co-workers.
- Calories don’t count if you’re hanging out with your bestie. You can eat whatever you want and not get fat!
- Everyone has a core circle of 3-5 ethnically ambiguous friends who are less attractive and fill the roles of slut, married schoolmarm, and workaholic.
- All women have a placeholder job until they can attain their serious career (i.e. political journalist, pastry chef, powerful Wall Street honcho), but really just want the love of a good man.
- To be an interesting person you must work in advertising, architecture, or at a magazine.
- Even though you have a job, you don’t actually do any work there, you just talk to your friends in the break room.
- All successful career women keep sweaters in their stoves since they cannot cook.
- Any woman who is a size 4 or smaller hates exercise and can eat whatever she wants.
- Any woman who eats a burger on a date is instantly considered marriage material because her healthy appetite makes her unique.
- Women don’t menstruate.
- The dishwasher is always empty.
- You can talk about someone who is standing 3 feet away and they won’t hear you.